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OKAY. FINE. I'M DOING THIS.

Last week, my dad, after hearing that I'd gone to see The Eagle, asked me, "Oh, how was it? Should I go see it?"

And I just kind of froze before the obvious answer ("Mom would hate it") came to me, because dude, I have no idea I have literally NO IDEA what people who are not slashers are possibly getting out of this movie. None. It's not, objectively, a very GOOD movie (though not terrible) -- it's bizarrely paced, there aren't a lot of huge fight scenes, there is no heterosexual love story (MORE ON THAT LATER) and the acting is...inconsistent.

But holy god, is it ever gay. It is not just fic, it's epic, kinky slavefic. And it's a writer's dream in that they give you just enough of the dynamics to make them really, really interesting without going into the details, so it just makes you itch to fill in the missing penetration pieces.

ON TO THE MOVIE:



Just so you know, there are both animals and children who get hurt in this movie. I am someone who is deeply disturbed by child harm and I would have liked to know about it before I went. Both scenes happen off-screen, but you know what's happening. The only saving grace here is that the child harm comes during the most ridiculous, OTT, and nonsensical battle ever, so you're too busy being like, WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN GOING ON and then it's over.

Here is the official trailer, so you know what we're getting into here:




So, let's get on to the important part:










Marcus is a hardcore Roman centurion. He wants nothing more than to be the best soldier in the whole Empire, for the glory of Rome and his family. His father, you see, tarnished the family's good name when he led the cursed Ninth Legion into Caledonia (Scotland) and never returned.

Marcus is played by Channing Tatum, who is adorable, a little dim, and built like a bunch of boxes stacked on top of each other. The man is just a square cube of beefcake.








So our dear Marcus asks to be sent to Britain, the site of his family's shame, to turn things around. And who does he find there?







...the King of Mississippi! HAY, GURL.

(No, seriously, Dennis O'Hare is awesome in this. It's even more fun if you imagine that he's really an immortal vampire scheming to take over the world behind Marcus' back. Sigh. I really miss True Blood.)

So, blah blah Marcus gets into a big battle, saves his men, is a hero....and is horribly injured. His leg is crushed and he almost dies and he wakes up to see...







Donald Sutherland in a toga! I know! Donald Sutherland seems really baffled by this turn of events as well! He is Marcus' Uncle Aquila, who Marcus has never met, but was sent to his house to recover. (Uncle Aquila lives in Calleva, in Britain, and Marcus is from Italy, too far for him to travel.) ANYWAY, Donald Sutherland in a toga nurses Marcus back to semi-health, evne though Marcus is in constant pain from his leg.

And then the sad part.

Dennis O'Hare comes riding up with the bad news:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Wait, not like that.

He comes riding up to tell Marcus that his men are proud of him (yay!) and he saved the garrison (yay!) and he won honors and a fancy bracelet from Rome (super yay!) and he was honorably discharged for the his wounds, sorry, too bad, so sad, there goes your soldiering career, kid. (Wait, what?)

Marcus is devastated. Donald Sutherland in a toga tries to help.






(Say what you will about Channing Tatum's "acting," he did do a nice job of making Marcus look ill and in pain. Suffer prettily, Marcus! We love it.)

He takes Marcus out for a nice day at the amphitheater, complete with dogfights and dirty yelling people and gladiator fights.




But wait. WHAT IS THIS?

Who is the big-ass scary gladiator fighting?






JAMIE BELL! Who is a starved, underfed, and very bendy little slave. Uncle Aquila is disgusted by the unfairness of a slave fighting a gladiator. Marcus is literally struck dumb. (Okay, he might have been a little dumb already.) He cannot speak! He is so taken by this brave young man!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

...and possibly his hipbones. Can you blame him?

So the slave refuses to fight, offering himself up to the gladiator in an attempt to wrest control of his own life by giving himself his death. Marcus is so moved by this moment, he begs the crowd to spare him.

(YAY!)

So, you're thinking to yourself, "Cool! I wonder how these two crazy kids are going to get together? Surely their fates are entwined!"




Well. You are obviously thinking of a more subtle movie. Because Uncle Aquila show up while Marcus is brooding and he's all, "I brought you a present? :D? :D?" And brings out Esca, the slave, who is to be Marcus' "body-slave."

I think this is the point where etben started laughing in the theater and didn't stop until the end.

SO, yadda yadda, Esca pledges his life to Marcus for saving his, Marcus doesn't want it, etc, etc. They start to bond when Marcus has surgery on his ruined leg and Esca has to hold him down. "Homoerotic!" you might be saying to yourself.

Really, you must be thinking of a more subtle movie.

Because not only does Esca hold Marcus down, he apparently half-asses it and the doctor has to yell HOLD HIM DOWN, SLAVE. HARDER! HARDER! PUT YOUR BODY ON HIM!

I am not even fucking kidding.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Esca does not even know what he's in for here.



Ok, that got REALLY long, so more later or tomorrow, with links to fic and everything!

Part Two!



*Channing referred to the movie as "Brokeback Eagle." I did not make that shit up.

Comments

( 53 comments — Leave a comment )
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eotu
Mar. 9th, 2011 05:01 pm (UTC)
I am ignoring this post with strong ignoring because I DO NOT NEED to get interested in another pretty young couple. BUT I want to say that you rock for mentioning the Babies-in-Danger quotient of the movie. I rate stuff by the BiDQ all the time. I can't abide kids being hurt, or even endangered. So for that, thank you.

Going back to ignoring the pretty pictures. la la la
misspamela
Mar. 9th, 2011 06:06 pm (UTC)
It is a huge issue for me as well and there are a ton of shows I just won't watch because of that. but this was really OTT.

La, la, la you will succumb!
robanybody
Mar. 9th, 2011 05:14 pm (UTC)
THIS MOVIE, JFC. Brokeback Eagle is only too appropriate for it, except that it ends with HAPPY FUN GAY TIEMZ and not death and tragedy like the other movie. I approve of that at least.
misspamela
Mar. 9th, 2011 06:07 pm (UTC)
Right? BEST ENDING EVER.
(no subject) - robanybody - Mar. 9th, 2011 06:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - franzeska - Mar. 11th, 2011 06:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
ionaonie
Mar. 9th, 2011 05:34 pm (UTC)
OMG - The Eagle doesn't get released in the UK until the 25th March...I don't think I can wait that long *whistles innocently*
misspamela
Mar. 9th, 2011 06:08 pm (UTC)
Welllll there ARE copies floating around, but none of them have the subtitles, which you really really need to understand the second half of the movie. *g*
(no subject) - ionaonie - Mar. 9th, 2011 06:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - misspamela - Mar. 9th, 2011 07:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
blueocean80
Mar. 9th, 2011 06:30 pm (UTC)
After reading robanybody's posts about this movie, I was already sold, but you had to go and write this and now I'm all flaily and...and...*GRUBBY HANDS*
misspamela
Mar. 9th, 2011 07:16 pm (UTC)
SO. GOOD.
the_shoshanna
Mar. 9th, 2011 07:07 pm (UTC)
oh my god. Geoff took his son to see it the other day and came back telling me that it wasn't at all bad, actually, and was historically accurate to boot.

(He does generously admit that it is quite slashy.)

I may have to see it now. With FANGIRLS, not with him. But I want to read the rest of your recap first!
misspamela
Mar. 9th, 2011 07:17 pm (UTC)
Yay! Recap 2 will be up tonight or tomorrow AM.

I'm glad Geoff was able to get something out of it! *g*
(no subject) - the_shoshanna - Mar. 9th, 2011 07:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
vampirefan
Mar. 9th, 2011 07:52 pm (UTC)
wow. i already wanted to see it for the hot bods (no idea what the movie is about) but now i really want to see it!!
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 02:45 am (UTC)
\o/
stereowire
Mar. 9th, 2011 08:49 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHA oh my god. I have no idea why I haven't yet but I'm friending you for more of this, I hope you don't mind. As someone who has watched that shitty pirated cam version of the movie 1038573829 already, THIS RECAP IS STILL MAKING ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF.
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 02:46 am (UTC)
No, friend away! And OH GOD I FINALLY CAVED AND DLED THE SHITTY CAM. WTF IS THIS FANDOM.
etben
Mar. 9th, 2011 08:53 pm (UTC)
I think this is the point where etben started laughing in the theater and didn't stop until the end.

YUP. That was me: cackling my way through homoerotic subtext, gratuitous fight scenes, and yet another goddamn camping trip of doom.
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 04:07 am (UTC)
You are the CUTEST.
missmollyetc
Mar. 9th, 2011 11:20 pm (UTC)
HELLS YES! \o/ God, I love my bad gay Roman movie!
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 07:06 pm (UTC)
This movie is EATING MY LIFE.
arallara
Mar. 10th, 2011 12:22 am (UTC)
I cannot explain all the ways I love you right now. sinensiss and I saw this in Ventura before Escapade started because we got to the hotel really early. We knew, sort of, what we were in for? Like, I had seen people post about it, and I got the idea it was a slashtastic slash-o-rama festival of fun? But even that didn't really prepare me. For how it is EXACTLY like a slash story. I have never before seen anything this close to what one of our ridiculous epic historical AUs would look like on the big screen. Like, I felt like I should have a checklist for all the specific moments I have read approximately eleventy billion times before, in every fandom I've ever read fanfiction for. AMAZING.

Seriously, the only thing that is actually subtextual in this movie is the fucking and kissing itself. Like a slash story, Marcus/Esca is basically what the movie is about, and yeah, I have no idea what people who aren't accustomed to that narrative structure think is going on here!

Gotta get my hands on the book! I tried at the LAX bookstore before my flight home, but they were out of stock.
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 04:08 am (UTC)
Yes, yes, to all of this! It's the WAY it's slashy and fucking with power and...it just fires the imagination, is the thing about it!
(no subject) - sinensiss - Mar. 10th, 2011 06:34 am (UTC) - Expand
mergatrude
Mar. 10th, 2011 12:58 am (UTC)
BWEE!

I am disturbed to say that this looks like a film (my) Dave would enjoy. I must get him to watch it, and then I can mock him for it, as I do every time The 300 comes up. (I have managed to get the danosaurus to modify his version of a manly grunt to, "Spartans! Woooo!")
beck_liz
Mar. 10th, 2011 01:22 am (UTC)
This movie, OMG. I went on the night it came out, knowing it would be slasherrific, but I HAD NO IDEA. I just wish I'd had another slash fangirl with me to flail in the theater with. Good grief.
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 02:37 pm (UTC)
I know! I was expecting it, and yet NOT.
fayemeadows
Mar. 10th, 2011 01:58 am (UTC)
HOLD HIM DOWN, SLAVE. HARDER! HARDER! PUT YOUR BODY ON HIM!

Aaaaand here's where I peed. I've had such a shit day and this cracked me up.

Also, what kind of animal harm? *frown*
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 02:02 am (UTC)
Horses get killed in battles and there is one horse that falls and dies of exhaustion at the end. It's suggested that they kill the horse to put it out of its misery, but that's not shown on screen. They just show the fallen horse and then....the two of them riding one horse together. With their arms around each other. I

I have a gif of the holding down on the next post!
(no subject) - executrix - Mar. 10th, 2011 05:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sineala - Mar. 11th, 2011 06:01 am (UTC) - Expand
serialkarma
Mar. 10th, 2011 02:49 am (UTC)
This pimping post is HYSTERICAL. I cannot wait to see the movie now. Although I don't know, is it as funny as this post? I would like that.
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 04:09 am (UTC)
It is UNINTENTIONALLY hilarious at parts. If that counts.
octavia_b
Mar. 10th, 2011 06:10 am (UTC)
I am so desperate to see this movie that I can't even articulate it, and yet it has NO RELEASE DATE FOR AUSTRALIA. *sputters incoherently*
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 02:38 pm (UTC)
Oh, SUCKS.
shrift
Mar. 10th, 2011 07:46 am (UTC)
Oh, god. Oh, GOD. I am NOT WELL. I'm congested and hacking up another lung from laughing at part one, so I may be out both lungs by part two. But YES. This is exactly what was being communicated up and down my row of fangirls while we were watching this movie. Via the semaphore of flailing hands and choked-off shrieks and giggles.
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 02:39 pm (UTC)
Awww, feel better, bb!

Right? We took up a whole row too and we were like WTF MOVIE IS EVERYONE ELSE WATCHING.
ninja_orange
Mar. 10th, 2011 06:25 pm (UTC)
THIS IS AMAZING.
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 07:05 pm (UTC)
THANK YOU.
mistresscurvy
Mar. 10th, 2011 06:47 pm (UTC)
GOD, this movie. I described the plot of it to my best friend using the names Hipbones and Roman, because really, THAT'S THE IMPORTANT PART.

And now for PART TWO: The REALLY Gay Stuff.
misspamela
Mar. 10th, 2011 07:05 pm (UTC)
BECAUSE THE BEGINNING WASN'T GAY ENOUGH.
snowrose
Mar. 11th, 2011 01:34 am (UTC)
This is AMAZING!
notchka88
Mar. 11th, 2011 04:06 am (UTC)
... Seen this 5 times and I think your recap is one of my favourite things ever. I couldn't stop laughing the first time I saw it.
rhiles_me
Mar. 11th, 2011 04:07 am (UTC)
THIS IS SO DELIGHTFUL. This movie was so delightfully bad and so BLATANTLY GAY that I can barely stand it!
franzeska
Mar. 11th, 2011 06:05 pm (UTC)
Scenery porn. That is what other people are getting out of it.
franzeska
Mar. 11th, 2011 06:08 pm (UTC)
BTW, for yuletide, I was like "Uh oh. I have put children and pets in this. Um... Steve will now be unable to do anything that harms children or pets. Because... REASONS SO THERE! H50 IS A HAPPY SHOW!"

I loved The Eagle, but it has a couple of rather upsetting moments considering how glossed over the gruesome carnage mostly is.
and_the_damned
Apr. 11th, 2011 04:33 am (UTC)
square cube of beefcake, you are incredible, this line, I am still laughing. That being said, this is the slashiest movie I have ever watched a trailer for. I'm so happy there is a primer! thank you!
emocezi
Apr. 20th, 2011 05:45 am (UTC)
Laughing so hard. Tears. So many tears.

It's all so true. And the book is even gayer. It's oh so magical.
night_reveals
Apr. 24th, 2011 03:25 am (UTC)
skldjfalsdjfalkdj

i don't know you but i just watched the eagle.

it is the new inception for me.

i could.not.stop.laughing. also, like you, was incapable of reviewing it for ordinary, boring people who don't like slash.

woe is us.

*mems*
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